Lala

05:34 am: i'm snuggled up to a hair dryer
i really am.
my own small personal heater.
after a long and pretty meh day.. work was stupid.. my uterus is cranky as hail... a friend got in a car accident..
i got home.. 5 am..
right as i sit down my phone rings.. a bunch of my guy friends, many of whom i either met thru tim or know tim as well, decided to drunken dial me. They were all shocked i answered, since i don't answer phones to begin with normally, and b/c it was 5 am. But I'll be honest, one of the most charming drunken phone calls of all time. they were all very sweet and had kind things to say to me. everyone likes to hear they're great every so often.
prior to calling me, they apparently called my sweet tim. Since when do you start drunken phone calling couples?
but at any rate, tim and i decided that clearly for some strange reason we are lovable enough that a group of guys will drunken call us just to say they adore us so. (no i wasn't with tim. he was either at home or with friends, and i was at my house)
it made me feel warm and squishy. I love my guy friends. No offense to my chicky ones. i love you too... but guys and the way they love.. its usually just so much more loyal and sincere. i have little or no doubt that any of my wonderful men would go to battle for me. they make me laugh and hold me when I'm down. I'm so very fortunate to have you guys.
i miss my top 2 men, brandon and nic, so very much. and my far away others like jeremy davis and such. But am so glad i have people like jake, josh, derek, etc. here at my fingertips.
i also have.. gasp.. a really wonderful group of female friends.. some troopers who i wont ever get rid of like julie and ashley w. new people like miss monica and emily. and soul mates like miss robin. its still scary for me. I'm not realllly used to girls.. but I'm pretty damn proud of the ones i have.
tomorrow.. or rather later today. ashley w shall be visiting from nyc and I'm thrilled to see her and give her giant hugs. and later that day monica and i will be cooking a good ol meal for our wonderful men. it's gay, yeah i know. but you al know i like being domestic and silly things like double dates and such. hey cliches can be fun!

11:59 am: quick up date
soo school is back in session, in what probably will be my final semester in my final undergrad degree.
and gasp, i think i know what i want to do with myself. now i just have to figure out how to make that happen.
i really like the idea of going into art conservation. i can get a ph d in it if i choose, or just a masters. its a wonderful combination of art history and studio art. and especially since i'll probably be focusing on textile restoration, it links directly into costume and fashion.
how nice.
other than that.. i'm horribly stressed out about money, having basically none of it.

03:06 pm: organized oh 9
i am still in the process of settling into 09.. but so far my room is organized in a much more concise manner. including all my clothes and closet things being organized in the ocd fashion i feel most for.
soon i will go thru clothes and take out the things i dont wear anymore, usually things that are 2 season with out being worn. somethings i can't give up.. something are just for occasions and i can't give up. but some clothes.. it's time to go.
i sit here with teeth whitening strips on. This is part of the agreement and incentive i made with myself for really stopping smoking.
i also started my slow growing work outness.. i'm taking it all super slow as to give my lungs some time to clear out and to really not shock my hip. but the point is.. i've started. i'm doing something.
i've also been good about money and staying in more. hip hip.
now i need to find a second job.. which may be a bad idea, so i'm sort of putting it off til the semester starts and i can better judge my ability to do thus.
baby steps are better than no steps.. i didn't hit the floor running.. but at least i wont tire out as quickly.

03:01 pm: every time
every time i start to hope my relationship with my family might be better i am horribly wrong. amazingly wrong.
to them i am a piece of shit.
they feel they do sooooo much for me. yet the things they do, i do NOT ask of them. I've even said i dont want b/c of the crap that it leads to, the guilt they put on me as a result.
my mother snoops and reads my mail. tells me she accidentally opens something, bull shit.
once you realize you accidentally open something you don't read it past that point. but she will say things that show clearly she has down right inspected it. and in this case, a bank statement, she does not EVEN have a bank account at the bank i use. so it's total bullshit.
she will go and do something i have asked her NOT to do and then expect a thank you for it. and bitch at me about it.
if you choose to do something you cannot expect a thank you. thank yous should be heart felt and not just expected.
when someone demands something of me the likely hood of them getting it is slim to none.
ask me, but with no attitude, sure that's a maybe.
i live everyday in fucking fear i am at any rate like my mother.. even the small things i have of her that might be good i start wanting to loose. and i certainly worry my heart out that any of her bad traits i have.

all i want right now is to finish my damn schooling so i can over work myself and be able to move out on my own. far away from her.
i know as a result i will be selling at least my vespa.. i'd prefer not to, but if the mini must go, then i have no choice.
my most important things to focus on this year are graduating and getting where i can move away from my mother.
i think it's awful that i just want her to leave me alone.

12:27 pm: robin is leaving
today..and i'm heart broken..
she is the last of my really really close friends who have been around forever to leave..
i have a few others that are really close and long time.. but i dont see them as much and such..
but i'm just having a hard time with it..
i've been having alot of loss nightmares too..
had them last nite for instance.. one after the other.

but no smoking day one.. down.. so far im doing fine with my resolutions.
hip hip.

10:07 am: 2008
i thought it was going to be 2000-great, but it turned out to be 2000-hate
i'm glad to see this year come to an end. a lot has happened that i'd rather forget was.
too much loss
so bring on 2009
i shall be doing the following...
eating better
trying to get back in shape and my hip bitter
watching my money
quitting smoking
going out less
reading more

even if i accomplish somethings.. that's better than nothing.

happy new year everyone

07:37 pm: 1234
so i should be studying for my art history exam that is for tomorrow at 8 am..
yet.. i am having the hardest time concentrating.. too much on my mind.
my insecurities have been rampant recently.. gushing from every area of my mind and heart. if i can possibly feel insecure about it.. oh i am.
maybe it's just a result of stress out from the end of the year.. i dont know.
i do know it's got me on edge.

08:44 am: exams 08
oh how i hate you.. so much..

01:07 pm: ha i never post
i have no real good reason why.
well myspace..
but i have a hard time posting on there too.
i get ready to write and i just get stuck. words get gummy in my hands and just creative cavities in my mind.

12:57 pm: well long time
it's been ages since i've written on here.
I need to get somethings out and i'd rather keep it on the dl.
so biggest issue.. i have no real idea what i want to do with my life.
i feel like i have put all my time and energy into a career path i won't be content with. it's a solitary path and a sketchy one at that. the arts? i mean really.
i don't feel I'm not particularly great at anything. especially anything out side of the arts.
i'm good for a whole bunch of nothing.
i cant have an office job, i'd be miserable.
i'm nervous about teaching children.
who knows if i'll get into gradschool. or what i'll go to graschool for..
and after that? then what?
i'm not someone suited for a bohemian life.
i'm super confused and feel like i have to make a decision asap. partly b/c i'm 25 and i should and partly b/c money wise i need to get my act together and be an adult and on a path.

08:36 pm: start of 08
so much more has gone down this past year than i would have guessed.
currently.. living at home.. back in the room i grew up in. which is really just an art studio with a bed.
back in school. loving it. poor as shit though. and i do mean poor as shit.
have my vespa, my car, and a boy who is as much a best friend as he is a boyfriend.

i'm sure there's a lot more.. but i'm freakn tired.. and have alot to do.

08:07 pm: im not dead
i just keep not posting on here.. i keep posting on myspace... go fig.

12:29 pm: stupid myspace
i end up updating on there and not on here. ha
a lot is goign on. a lot has gone on.
i'm going back to school for an art degree.
my dad stood up to my mom in regards to her treatment towards me, and at least for now, it's working. granted we had a really horrible fight sat nite.
i have some amazing friends. i have some crappy ones too. i have some that used to be great and are now really shitty.
i like my new job. i like bartending.
love you. all of you.

10:53 pm: bike
got a bike
now my ass hurts

04:44 pm: mistakes
ok it's been a while since i've updated..
here are the good things:
devin and i are doing really well. yah.
my tummy has been bleeding in a few months.. yah

and then here's the rest:
the biggest mistake i ever made was taking my job at diamonds direct. It made me screw school up, and it's making it impossible for me to fix it.
i'm miserable here. i'm not respected, i have a horrible manager who goes out of his way to make me feel like i can be fired at any given moment, even though i'm a good lil worker. I'm in a job i hate with every bit of hate i can muster. and i'm not getting paid the money i was promised when hired.
i can't get out of this job. the money is better than any other thing i've had a chance at. and i need the money. desperately. my parents have continually given me hope of helping me all thru school and just screwed me over time and time again. and now i feel stressed and like i'm drowning. and chase screwing me by not paying me has also just added to the rest of the problem.
i don't know what to do. i feel trapped and hopless.
i keep praying for guidance and help. and i don't know what else to pray for. sure i pray for money at times, or for a new job. but if God has something else than those exact things for me, that's ok.
i've watched myself wither away over the past year b/c of this job. and i don't like it. i'm a fraction of who i used to be.

01:03 pm: second thought
fasting this weekend.. not this week. i forgot we have inventory.. and if i don't eat infront of my co workers they're gonna freak out. and not have any respect as to my meaning behind it.
so i'll fast this weekend.
there ya go.
anyone wanna join me?

12:40 pm: fast
I'm going to go on a fast for a few days. I think i have decided upon 3 days. i might just wait until friday to break it.
soo i'm never on here anymore. i konw. but life's just busy. changing. i update my blog on myspace a whole lote more. so you can always go there and read.
but to update you some..
i have a wonderful, and i do mean wonderful, boyfriend. we've been together for alomst 3 months and things are going great. He's off at app state now. so i have gone from seeing him every day to only on weekends. which is certainly boo. but i think it's good at the same time. b/c if we make it thru all of this, than it says huge amounts about us as people as well as us as a unit. and you know. i really don't fret that distance will effect us. i also think that if we don't work out, we'll stay friends.
that's a huge comfort to me.
more later

10:32 pm: post.. re post.. post
some times tv hits to close to home


there are shows.
shows that are just stupid shows.
that deal with very real issues.
and make you watch them on tv.
making it raw.

tonite. gray's anatomy did that. The whole deal with George and his father. it makes me weak. makes me weak inside.
George says it all quite frankly, "I can't imagine a world with my Dad not in it."
I can't. But ever since my father's heart surgery, it's this constant recurring theme in my house. And i don't know if i'm being lied to and put on this up and down ride with how bad off he is, or how well off. Or if they are all just living in this really negitave state.
Either way it makes my throught dry up, and close. My eyes just ready to leak. and my mouth full of thick siliva that makes you want to vomit.
I can't take the thought of my dad not being there. I feel like they are all just waiting for him to die. Not actually take advantage of the time we do have left. Which, unless i'm once again being lied to, isnt' a time bomb waiting to go.
I can't even begin to wrap my mind around my dad not being there.
It's times like this that i feel horrible saying it, but i'm going to anyhow, having children when you are older is selfish. Children shouldn't have to be raised knowing their parent won't be there like most people's parents will be. You shouldn't have to grow up afraid to live your life b/c your family will be gone sooner than most. You shouldn't have to harden yourself inside b/c you know the pain is going to come sooner than it should have too. You shouldn't be afraid to love new people in life b/c those who brought you into this world will leave before you're ready.
I know we're never ready, and we're only promised right now. But just take two seconds and think what if the possibility of now is knowingly shorter. That out side of cancer, or being hit by a car or all the random or illness related premature deaths your parents aren't going to be around b/c they already had their life. a full life. and you weren't more than a small part. and that most of your life that they should be there for. they won't.
I've done this stupid thing since i was little of closing myself off. I planned out this whole life in my head that just had room for me. If i even thought about one day getting married, i walked myself to the alter. Not my brother or father. I think, I know, it was b/c i didn't think they would be there to do it anyhow, so why build up this dream that really can't be. I was overly practical even as a child. ha.
But the idea of my dad not being there. it makes me feel weak.
And the fact that my family isn't honest about anything, that makes me want to throw up.

Grey's also delt with the whole idea of sharing a bed with someone. and i mean in the sleeping matter. There are times, more times than not, that i feel being able to sleep beside someone is more intiment than sex. To be lost to the world and feel safe enough around someone to sleep. And to sleep well. To not feel trapped when someone is spooning you. or you are entertwined face to face or what ever position you are in. to feel safe there. That can mean ten times more than sex. it's sweeter. it's more protective. it's more real. it's alot more of a lot of things.
Sorta like the tightness of a hug. or holding someones face with your hand when you kiss them. A guy's hand on a girls small of her back. Touch like that is so little and means so much. Putting your hand on someones chest. over their heart. feeling them breath.. feeling them live. That is intimacy.

07:37 pm: so
just to share.. i have a boyfriend.. i have for a few weeks or a week.. i'm not sure.. but according to myspace i deff do now.lol.
i like how myspace even really informs me of my own life.
myspace is that on top of things
or i'm that unaware/afraid of my own life.. probably the later.

05:44 pm: 2 reposts from my space which at least the top one i want your thoughts on.
diggin deeper in the bag


so as my previous post would relay.. my friends are extreamly important to me.. and the ones that are constant in my life ARE my life.

sooooo my interactional issues right now, i'd say they are pretty rampent. thick at the least. or most.

i've ended up building thicker walls than before over the past almost year, and the ones i had before were pretty well put together. at any rate.. it's more difficult to let someone in my life. and much more difficult to believe they are going to stay in my life. Even if i really have no reason to question or doubt.

I know this is a direct reaction to believing someone would always be in my life and trusting them totally only to have them end the end do the exact opposite. To the point of pulling away from even a friendship, and for no purpose which i have caused. So for someone to so extreamly abandon me, which has never happened before (especially with out just cause, but it's never happened period), i now have the most difficult time believing anyone will be a perm position in my life.

Which is also right now why i think i have been missing my closest friends so very much. For they are the ones who are and will always be there.

While it's good to appreciate and love those you have, that's not the issues. other than the fact i've been missing deeply. The problem is working thru or being able to deal with accepting someone into my life. being able to depend on them.

i guess for me, when i say something, i mean it and will always follow thru as best i can. And if for some reason i misspeak i make adjustments and make amends. I guess for me, i want more people in my life that have such a quality. and have it for real. but it's hard for me to accept since others i've trusted to follow thru with such character have failed so seriously.

i don't now.. i'm just trying to deal with this and having a hard time. and wishing i wasn't having to deal with it. that it was easily healed. b/c even though it weighs heavily on me now and effects me thus, i know if i don't deal with it it will continue to be a problem and worsen.




1:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


bag o best


1st off i want to express my deep seeded love of salt. it always tastes so good.

2nd my nite last nite was very nice.. top 2 reasons. 1) ashley was in town. 2) My best friend called me b/c he just wanted to hear my voice.

it really means alot when the people you love love you back. and for the person i love most in the world to surely love me as much as i love him. awsome. i love my best friend.

i really do. he's been my best friend for 6ish years now. and i couldn't be more greatful to have him in my life. He has remained the most constant and supportive of people in my life. That's not to say I haven't had or have other wonderful people who aren't there for me. But for someone to ALWAYS be there, to even take on your family for you, to do just so many things both big and small to show they love you. it really really always makes me exstatic.
We've been thru so much to. For one, we dated, broke up and put effort into remaining as close as we are. If anything our dating and breaking up made us closer. After all, you go to your best friend for advice about everything, and for your best friend to be able to give you an insiders view on relationships involving you, wellll it's helpful.
Our friendship also helps underline the idea of unconditional love. and such love being recipricated. To be able to fight, to say things that nonone else will dare say to you, and then to possibly love the other person more as an end result. To be down or in a bad mood and have a fight with your bestest and someone how walk away in a better mood. weird i know. but it's how we roll.

yeah i hold him on a pedistool, not b/c we dated and some sort of left over love. but b/c of the constant friend he has been for me. and i know he will always be. In a sense, I know i will spend the rest of my life with him and a share the greatest moments. I only hope and look forward to being able to dance at each others weddings. Watching his life develop. Seeing his children and knowing he'll be this deliciously artistic crazy "uncle" for mine. To know that as old age sets in and our memories go, we'll never forget the other. We might forget who we ourselves are, but not the other.

ours has been a love that has grown and lasted. which just excites me about newer friendships and relationships. that they have the same possibility.

I will never regret anything that has passed between the two of us. no matter how painful or messy it's been. In the end it's only helped make us what we are. and i wouldn't trade that for the world.

I love my best friend, My Biznatch, more than some little blog could ever possibly express.



oh and fyi, for any of you who read this and actually want to know who i'm talking about, the Boaner should be in charlotte around the 20th.